I'm Natalie.
I'm 21 years old, and don't know how to act my age.
Sometimes I am too mature for my own good.
And other times I'm too immature for the good of anyone around me.
That's what makes me who I am.
I don't have a perfect smile.
It's a very gummy grin, and I have a gap in between my front two teeth.
But that reminds me of when I was younger and used to suck my thumb.
It may have permanently screwed up my mouth, but it brings me back to my childhood.
And that's what makes me who I am.
I don't have perfect skin.
I'm very pale, and I sometimes breakout.
But that just reminds me of when I've gone out with my friends until the early hours and pass out before I can wash my face.
I may wake up with mascara smudged across my face, but I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.
And that's what makes me who I am.
I don't have the perfect body.
I fluctuate weight constantly, and could squish a model if I wanted.
But my extra pounds just remind me of all the time and love my mother put into dinner every. single. night.
I might have to workout twice a day, but nothing beats the comfort of a home cooked meal.
And that's makes me who I am.
I don't always have the best personality.
Sometimes I'm isolated, other times I'm judgmental.
But when I snap or cry or scream, I'm reminded how lucky I am to be in touch with my emotions.
I might hurt a few feelings along the way, but I am never to proud to apologize.
And that's what makes me who I am.
I do have a life that I love.
I have family and friends that treat me like royalty.
They help me when I need to laugh or cry, and they never seem to fail me.
They have undying love for me as I have the same for them.
And that's what makes me who I am.
Something beautiful, but annihilating
What’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be, but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
Whew
I started this blog with the idea that it would be the place for me to go and let go of my feelings. Somehow, I almost feel ashamed to let people know how I am really handling things. It takes a lot for me to admit when I feel like I don't have everything under control, so it took some time for me to figure out if I really wanted to write all of this down. In the end, I guess there's no point in keeping this blog-thing unless I'm truthful in it.
So how am I doing? Not very good. This is just so hard. I can't think of another way to say it than that. It's just hard. I despise being alone every day. It's unbelievable to go from having someone by your side, "on your team", always there, to just gone. It's hard to explain, but even when I'm in great company, there is always something missing, and it's so obvious to me that I almost feel alone. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed and to put a smile on for my friends and family when I'd rather just sleep. I find myself not fully enjoying each situation anymore because I just imagine how much better it would be if Matt was simply there. The nights are hard, when I find myself curled up in the queen sized bed we used to share every night. I only stay on my designated side, as if he will crawl into bed after he's done watching late night television in the next room. And lately I find myself feeling jealousy or resentment towards people who are able to have their loved ones with them whenever they please. I feel angry at people who are feeling down about not seeing their boyfriend for three days. I feel disgusted with couples who are lucky enough to spend the day with each other, but spend that time bickering. I feel like I am turning into an ugly person for having thoughts like that. I'm overwhelmed with everything right now, and the littlest things can make me cry - which usually I'm quick to recover from.
I'm grateful for all the times that Matt and I get to talk because know for a fact not many women get to talk to their soldiers that often. Sometimes we don't have that much to say since he literally is in an office all day, and I just go to school. We drag out the conversations as long as possible because I never want to hang up. We say "I love you" a lot as is, but now that he's away - it'd probably nauseate a few people at the ever-increasing amount.
I figured things would be getting easier by now and the time would be moving a lot faster, but for some reason it seems like it's getting harder and time is moving slower. Then I get mad that nobody reaches out to me and asks how I'm doing. But that's stupid because how is anyone to know that I'm struggling because I'm always Mrs. Sunshineoutmyass. And it's impossible to expect anyone to understand that hasn't dealt with a similar situation. So right now, I might be going through a rough patch. Maybe it's the weather change to blame. People keep saying that I'm doing great and am being so strong, which in turn makes me feel bad because I think "if only you knew the truth." Hopefully things start to get easier, maybe they will and maybe they won't. I know this type of life will only last temporarily, so that makes it an easier pill to swallow.
I think what is hardest for people to understand is that I'm on constant edge. Every phone call, every knock on the door, every text, every email, every news story - stops my heart. To be literally worried every minute of the day is taking it's toll. I'm exhausted and just want to sleep all day, but I know that's not good for me. The pure joy and excitement that overcomes me when I see a message from him probably seems almost near stupid for other people, but I can honestly say it's what I wake up for lately. My heart beats for Matt and to continue pretending that life is dandy without him here is just a waste of time. In the end, I miss him beyond words. I'd give anything to have him home again.
What I can say about this deployment that is good is that the butterflies are back. I know seeing Matt for the first time again will be uh-may-ziiiiiing. I appreciate every.single.thing about that man now, and even the little things that would sometimes tick me off have become another thing to love. Weird? Yes. Probably will pass a day or so after he gets home, but for the moment I would love to hear Matt disgustingly SMACKING his cereal across the kitchen table.
So how am I doing? Not very good. This is just so hard. I can't think of another way to say it than that. It's just hard. I despise being alone every day. It's unbelievable to go from having someone by your side, "on your team", always there, to just gone. It's hard to explain, but even when I'm in great company, there is always something missing, and it's so obvious to me that I almost feel alone. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed and to put a smile on for my friends and family when I'd rather just sleep. I find myself not fully enjoying each situation anymore because I just imagine how much better it would be if Matt was simply there. The nights are hard, when I find myself curled up in the queen sized bed we used to share every night. I only stay on my designated side, as if he will crawl into bed after he's done watching late night television in the next room. And lately I find myself feeling jealousy or resentment towards people who are able to have their loved ones with them whenever they please. I feel angry at people who are feeling down about not seeing their boyfriend for three days. I feel disgusted with couples who are lucky enough to spend the day with each other, but spend that time bickering. I feel like I am turning into an ugly person for having thoughts like that. I'm overwhelmed with everything right now, and the littlest things can make me cry - which usually I'm quick to recover from.
I'm grateful for all the times that Matt and I get to talk because know for a fact not many women get to talk to their soldiers that often. Sometimes we don't have that much to say since he literally is in an office all day, and I just go to school. We drag out the conversations as long as possible because I never want to hang up. We say "I love you" a lot as is, but now that he's away - it'd probably nauseate a few people at the ever-increasing amount.
I figured things would be getting easier by now and the time would be moving a lot faster, but for some reason it seems like it's getting harder and time is moving slower. Then I get mad that nobody reaches out to me and asks how I'm doing. But that's stupid because how is anyone to know that I'm struggling because I'm always Mrs. Sunshineoutmyass. And it's impossible to expect anyone to understand that hasn't dealt with a similar situation. So right now, I might be going through a rough patch. Maybe it's the weather change to blame. People keep saying that I'm doing great and am being so strong, which in turn makes me feel bad because I think "if only you knew the truth." Hopefully things start to get easier, maybe they will and maybe they won't. I know this type of life will only last temporarily, so that makes it an easier pill to swallow.
I think what is hardest for people to understand is that I'm on constant edge. Every phone call, every knock on the door, every text, every email, every news story - stops my heart. To be literally worried every minute of the day is taking it's toll. I'm exhausted and just want to sleep all day, but I know that's not good for me. The pure joy and excitement that overcomes me when I see a message from him probably seems almost near stupid for other people, but I can honestly say it's what I wake up for lately. My heart beats for Matt and to continue pretending that life is dandy without him here is just a waste of time. In the end, I miss him beyond words. I'd give anything to have him home again.
What I can say about this deployment that is good is that the butterflies are back. I know seeing Matt for the first time again will be uh-may-ziiiiiing. I appreciate every.single.thing about that man now, and even the little things that would sometimes tick me off have become another thing to love. Weird? Yes. Probably will pass a day or so after he gets home, but for the moment I would love to hear Matt disgustingly SMACKING his cereal across the kitchen table.
My favorite time of year
A group of girls went on a weekend getaway to Vegas. They all went to a club where one of the girls named Brenda met a really cute guy; they hit it off really well and in no time they were making out like no one’s business. One of Brenda’s friends actually got too drunk and started to harass other people with her belligerence, so Brenda had to leave the guy. “Here’s my number. Call me after you drop off your friend at the hotel, maybe you and your friends would like to come to my house.” He told her, and then added flirtatiously “So that we can finish what we started.”
“That’d be nice, but I think I’m just going to stay with her instead.”
Two weeks after coming home from Vegas, she started getting boils around her lips and some even inside her mouth. She was freaking out and went to the doctor’s office where they performed some tests and called her back for a follow up appointment.
The doctor started to ask her questions that she first thought were kind of weird, “What’s your lifestyle like?” “Do you travel much?” In which she replied, “I went to Vegas a few weeks ago.” “Ah, did you eat anything interesting? Kiss anybody, even?” . Brenda was a little freaked out, and she thought of the guy she was making out with. ‘Yes, I did. A guy I met.’ “I don’t want to freak you out, but you had an allergic reaction to what that man’s saliva contained.” At this point, she was relieved it wasn’t herpes but was curious in why she would freak out about the allergic reaction. “So, than what is it that I’m allergic to?” According to Brenda, the doctor hesitated and basically told her that the guy she met at the club had human remains in his saliva. The guy was a cannibal, and he was done eating his meal before attending the club where he met Brenda. She immediately had to call the police, she still had his number and the authorities found him and ransacked his house where they found body parts in his refrigerator.
30.5%
I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
Having rough days
I feel vacant without you, even though you're still mine to keep. It's true that emotions will escape you when you've exhausted them. I can't explain why, it's just pathetic I guess. I feel superstitious. If I close my eyes while the phone rings it will be you. If I take a shower, then the phone will ring, and it will be you. But when the phone does ring, it's always other people. I want to scream at them. I want to howl, like a baby, until you come home to me. Oh, you have to be safe, because I am wrecked without you. My levees are breached, and you have flooded me, and I am a city under water now.
It's about the time you keep
This world is hard. It has sharp edges and points that cut. It’ll make you choose between love, money and sleep. Choose love each time and sleep when you can, money - only when you must.
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